Before They Leave

The things college kids need to know that have absolutely nothing to do with college

By the time I launched my fourth child, I had learned something.

It wasn’t the extra-long twin sheets I needed to worry about.

It wasn’t whether we had enough Command hooks.

And it definitely wasn’t whether the dorm room had the perfect coordinating throw pillows.

It was things like:

Do you know where your insurance card is?

Can you make a doctor’s appointment?

Do you know what to do if you lose your debit card?

Can you send a professional email?

Do you know what happens if you don’t pay a credit card bill?

Have you ever actually washed your own sheets?

We spend years making sure our children are academically prepared for college.

We worry about grades, test scores, applications and scholarships.

And then we pack them up and send them into the world and realize:

There are quite a few things required for adulthood that nobody covered in AP English.

So, before you buy one more dorm-room storage container, here are some things worth talking about.

Money: The Lessons Get Real Very Quickly

College may be the first time your child has had significant freedom over their own money.

Which is exciting.

And occasionally terrifying.

Before they leave, make sure they understand the basics.

Not a semester-long personal finance course.

Just real life.

What’s in your bank account?

How do you check it?

What’s the difference between your available balance and money you can actually afford to spend?

What happens if your debit card is lost or stolen?

What is overdraft protection?

How does a credit card work?

What is interest?

When is the bill due?

What happens if you only make the minimum payment?

And perhaps most importantly:

A credit limit is not money.

If the credit card company gives you a $2,000 limit, they have not gifted you $2,000.

They have offered to let you borrow $2,000 at what could be a spectacularly unattractive interest rate.

Different thing.

Give Them a Budget Before They Need One

This doesn’t have to be complicated.

Talk about who is paying for:

Food outside the meal plan.

Clothes.

Gas.

Entertainment.

Greek-life expenses.

Concert tickets.

Spring break.

Uber.

Coffee.

And the approximately 900 other things college students discover they desperately need.

If you’re giving your student a monthly amount, tell them what it’s supposed to cover.

Then—and this is the difficult part—let them practice managing it.

Running out of spending money on the 22nd of the month may be one of the finest budgeting lessons available.

Especially if Mom doesn’t immediately refill the account.

They Need to Know How to Make an Appointment

This sounds ridiculously simple.

Until you realize they’ve never done it.

For years, we’ve handled:

Dentists.

Doctors.

Haircuts.

Prescriptions.

Eye exams.

Orthodontists.

And every other appointment.

Then suddenly they’re 200 miles away saying:

“I don’t feel good.”

Before they leave, let them practice making their own appointments.

Make sure they know:

Their doctor’s name.

Their basic medical history.

Any medications they take.

Any allergies they have.

Where their insurance information is.

Where to go for urgent care.

How to refill a prescription.

And when something is serious enough that they need help immediately.

You don’t want their entire healthcare plan to be:

Call Mom.

Although, to be fair, they probably still will.

Teach Them Five Meals

They do not need to become Ina Garten before move-in day.

But eventually the meal plan ends.

The apartment arrives.

And so does the shocking realization that dinner has to happen every single night.

Teach them five things they can make.

Maybe:

Eggs.

Pasta.

Tacos.

Chicken.

A sheet-pan dinner.

Soup.

A sandwich that involves something more than peanut butter.

Whatever your family eats.

Also worth discussing:

How long leftovers are safe.

How to tell when food has gone bad.

How to safely cook meat.

What can and cannot go in a microwave.

And the fact that dishes do not eventually clean themselves if you leave them in the sink long enough.

This will be disappointing news.

Laundry Is a Life Skill

Teach:

Whites.

Darks.

Cold water.

Hot water.

Dryer settings.

Stains.

Towels.

Sheets.

And one enormously important rule:

If you aren’t sure whether it belongs in the dryer, DON’T PUT IT IN THE DRYER.

This single sentence could save hundreds of dollars in sweaters.

Also:

Wash your sheets.

I don’t care if they “look clean.”

Wash them.

Let Them Handle a Problem Before College

This may be one of the best things you can do.

Something will go wrong.

An order will arrive incorrectly.

They’ll need to return something.

A charge will appear on an account.

They’ll need to call the doctor’s office.

A work schedule will be wrong.

They’ll have a question about a bill.

Our instinct is often:

“Give it to me. I’ll take care of it.”

But high school is a wonderful place to practice.

Try:

“Why don’t you call and ask?”

Let them explain the problem.

Let them ask the question.

Let them sit on hold.

Let them deal with customer service.

Let them experience the extraordinary adult accomplishment of getting something resolved all by themselves.

Teach Them How to Write an Email

College students email professors, advisors, employers and administrators.

They need to know that:

“hey i missed class what did i miss”

is perhaps not the opening we’d choose.

Teach them:

A subject line.

A greeting.

A concise explanation.

A polite request.

A thank-you.

Their name.

That’s it.

A professional email is a tiny skill with an enormous return.

Professors Are People You Can Talk To

One thing I want students to understand before college:

Professors aren’t scary.

If you’re confused:

Go to office hours.

Ask questions.

Send the email.

Stay after class.

Get help before you’re failing.

The student who asks for help in September has many more options than the student who waits until the night before the final.

Learning to advocate for yourself academically is one of the most valuable college skills there is.

Roommates Will Teach Them Things You Can’t

Ah, roommates.

Your child may live with someone who:

Goes to bed at 8 p.m.

Goes to bed at 3 a.m.

Leaves clothes everywhere.

Is incredibly neat.

Talks constantly.

Never talks.

Borrows things.

Eats their food.

Has a boyfriend or girlfriend who appears to have quietly moved in.

This is where your child learns:

Communication.

Boundaries.

Compromise.

Conflict resolution.

And occasionally the importance of owning headphones.

Try not to solve every roommate problem immediately.

Listen.

Ask questions.

Help them think through what they might say.

Most roommate issues are wonderful practice for adult relationships.

And occasionally, yes, something is serious enough that housing staff needs to become involved.

Knowing the difference is part of growing up too.

Talk About Safety Without Making Them Afraid of the World

This conversation matters.

Not because college is inherently dangerous.

Because young adults suddenly have much more freedom.

Talk openly about:

Alcohol.

Parties.

Driving.

Rideshares.

Walking alone.

Dating.

Consent.

Drugs.

Looking out for friends.

Not leaving a friend who is impaired.

Knowing when to call 911.

Trusting that feeling that says:

Something isn’t right.

Give them permission to leave.

Give them permission to call you.

And make this very clear:

If you are ever in trouble, call me first. We’ll deal with everything else later.

There may be consequences tomorrow.

Tonight, I want you safe.

Teach Them What to Do When the Car Does Something Weird

If they’re taking a car to college, make sure they know:

How to put gas in it.

Yes, I’m serious.

What the warning lights mean.

Where the registration and insurance information are.

What to do after an accident.

Who to call if the car breaks down.

How roadside assistance works.

How to check tire pressure.

And preferably how to recognize that driving another 47 miles while a giant red warning light flashes is not generally considered a repair strategy.

Talk About Leases Before They Sign One

The dorm years may eventually give way to:

“Mom! We found the CUTEST apartment!”

Wonderful.

Now read the lease.

Students need to understand that signing their name means something.

Talk about:

Rent.

Deposits.

Utilities.

Roommate responsibility.

Parking.

Pets.

Subletting.

Damage.

Lease length.

What happens if a roommate leaves.

What happens if they want to move out early.

And whether everyone on the lease may be financially responsible in ways they don’t expect.

“It’s only paperwork” is not a phrase we use when discussing legally binding contracts.

Make a “What If?” Plan

Before they leave, run through a few scenarios.

What if you lose your wallet?

What if your phone is stolen?

What if you’re locked out?

What if your car breaks down?

What if your roommate gets seriously sick?

What if you need money unexpectedly?

What if you miss a flight?

What if you’re struggling in a class?

What if you’re feeling overwhelmed?

They don’t need to memorize an emergency manual.

They simply need to know:

Who do I call?

What do I do first?

Where is the information I need?

Let Them Know Homesickness Is Normal

Even the student who couldn’t WAIT to leave home may become homesick.

College can be exciting and lonely at exactly the same time.

The first few weeks can look like everyone else has instantly found:

Their best friends.

Their people.

Their perfect college life.

They haven’t.

Everyone is figuring it out.

Encourage your student to:

Go to things.

Leave the dorm room.

Join something.

Eat with people.

Introduce themselves.

Give friendships time.

And call home.

Just be careful not to make home so comforting that the answer to every uncomfortable college moment becomes:

Come home.

Sometimes they need encouragement to stay long enough for the new place to begin feeling like theirs.

Teach Them That Asking for Help Is a Strength

This may be the most important thing on this entire list.

College students have resources.

Academic advisors.

Professors.

Tutoring centers.

Resident assistants.

Career centers.

Financial-aid offices.

Campus health services.

Counseling and support services.

Disability/accessibility offices.

Campus safety.

Teach them to use them.

Independence doesn’t mean doing everything alone.

It means knowing when you can handle something yourself…

and when you need help.

And Mom, You Don’t Have to Teach Everything by August

If you’re reading this with a senior and suddenly thinking:

OH MY WORD. MY CHILD KNOWS NONE OF THIS.

You’re fine.

They don’t need to leave home as completely finished adults.

None of us did.

They’re going to learn.

They’re going to make mistakes.

They’re going to call you.

They’re going to lose things.

They’re going to spend too much money on something ridiculous.

They’re going to make a meal that is borderline inedible.

They’re going to sign something and then realize they probably should have read it first.

They’re going to figure things out.

That’s part of what these next few years are for.

The Goal Isn’t to Make Sure They Never Need You

After launching four kids, I don’t think that’s the goal at all.

The goal is for the phone call to gradually change.

At first:

“Mom, what do I do?”

Then:

“Mom, here’s what happened. What do you think?”

And eventually:

“Mom, here’s what happened. Here’s what I’m going to do.”

That’s a pretty wonderful progression.

So yes.

Buy the extra-long twin sheets.

Get the shower caddy.

Pack the Command hooks.

Make the Target run.

But somewhere between buying the mattress topper and figuring out how you’re possibly going to fit all of this into the car…

teach them a few things about life.

Then trust that they’ll learn the rest.

Because we’re not sending fully formed adults off to college.

We’re sending young people who are still becoming who they’re going to be.

And we get the remarkable privilege of watching it happen.

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